Gundam Wing: Mission Impossible
by Chu
Summary: Duo needs a haircut...


" Gundam Wing: Mission Impossible" 

  
  


****Duo lay face up in the soft, tall grass staring at the clouds. The sun was just beginning to set and it promised to be a gorgeous evening. As usual, our kawaii little pilot was in the mood for romance! "Isn't it such a beautiful night, my Heero-chan? The breeze is blowing, the-"

"Its evening Duo. Don't start," Heero said as emotional as ever.

The smaller boy wanted to pout at his stoic friend, but grinned when he noticed how cute his companion looked in the fading sunlight. An instinctive predatory smile grew on his face. A wild cat ready to pounce...

"Duo look out!" Heero yelled as he pulled out his gun. (Not that gun you eechis!! That comes later!) 

Duo dived out of the way at top speed, turning, expecting to find some Oz soldiers, mercenaries, or at least a disgruntled bear or two. What he got: Nothing.

"Heero Yuy," he began, not in the least amused, " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING AND WHY AREN'T YOU SHARING!?" 

No sooner had the outburst came out of Duo's mouth than our long-haired G Boy felt something pulling and prodding at his hair.

"What the fuck?" He exclaimed.

" Not again..." Heero sighed.

****When Duo realized what was happening, he immediately began swatting at his head like a dog with fleas. 

"Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!!!" He screamed, almost tearing out his hair.

Heero grabbed the other pilot by the shoulders and shook him violently. 

"I'm trying! I'm trying! I'm trying!!!" 

Duo's head bobbed back and forth a la one of those springy guys people have on their dashboards. 

Finally, after a good 30 minutes of shaking, hair pulling, and yelling, something brown and fuzzy jumped out of Duo's hair, running for its life.

"Thank God." Heero sighed, growing angry. "Duo! That's the third time a squirrel has tried to nest in your hair THIS WEEK!"

The slightly frazzled pilot smiled sheepishly, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Gomen, Heero-chan. I can't help it."

"Oh yes you can help it," the other began, grinning satanically, "Duo, you're getting a hair cut."

Shock. Pure shock. Duo knew by the look on Heero's face that he was serious, but seriously didn't like the idea.

" No...you...I... can't...no!" THUD! Several small woodland creatures scurried out of hiding as Duo crash landed in the grass. 

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A slightly groggy Duo woke up to the wonderful aromas of smelling salts and Wufei's cooking. He coughed lightly, swatted away the smelling salts, and held his breath for as long as he could. "Passing out would definitely be better than having to smell this burning macaroni and cheese crap," he thought to himself. Slowly he opened up his eyes to see Quatre standing over him.

"Duo!" GLOMP!

"Get off me Quatre!" A slightly startled Duo exclaimed as his blonde friend attached himself to Duo's waist. 

"Oh Duo-chan! You're alright! Heero dragged you in here about an hour ago, dropped you off on the couch, mumbled something about rabid squirrels, and left!" The pilot's face turned serious. "Has he hit you again? Honestly, sometimes I think that he is going to-"

"No, he didn't hit me Quatre. He threatened to do something much, much worse!"

"To cut off your testicles and feed them to a wild iguana?" Trowa had popped his head into the living room and decided to add his two cents to this little conversation. Even if it wasn't appreciated by the other two boys, the promise of a violent castration brought Wufei in from the kitchen holding a pot of "Wufei's Flaming Macaroni and Cheese".

The Chinese pilot's eyes lit up as he saw a frazzled Duo lying on the couch. "Castration?! He caught you flirting with that obsessive fan girl again, didn't he?"

"He doesn't know about the obsessive fan, nor will he ever know about her. And will you take that crap out of here! It smells terrible! Even I wouldn't eat that." 

"Fine," was the Wufei's disgruntled reply as he threw the pot out the window of their sixth story penthouse suite. Trowa looked out the window while a surprised cat ran out of the alley, trying to avoid the make-shift napalm bomb that was supposed to be the G-Boy's dinner. 

In the 5 and ½ seconds that it took to launch "Wufei's flaming mac 'n' cheese" out the window, scaring the shit out of some unsuspecting ally cat, Duo had gone into hysterics. "I don't wanna cut my hair," he sobbed. Quatre sweat dropped. "Its ok Duo-chan. I mean, look on the bright side, it will take you less time to get ready in the morning." 

"And some of us might get to use the bathroom after six A.M." Trowa added snidely. 

This only made Duo more upset. But his incessant whining was interrupted by the doorbell. Being the social butterfly that he is, Wufei went to answer it. Unlocking the heavy wooden door, he found an overly muscled, spandex wearing (no not Heero) man holding a pool skimmer. 

"I've come to clean your pool," he said eying the young pilot.

" But we don't have a pool," Wufei replied.

In the background, cheesy porn music began. Bow chicka bow wow. Bicka wicka bicka wicka. (There Manda! Are you happy now?) 

Wufei slammed the door and ran back into the kitchen screaming like he lost the keys to the Shen-long.

  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  
  


The other pilots just stared at the doorway. 

"That was interesting," Quatre said. "But since when have we had a pool?" 

"We don't have a pool, you baka!" Wufei yelled from the kitchen.

"Then why did he want to clean it?"

Duo and Trowa sweat dropped. 

"Never mind Quatre-chan. Let's just go have wild and kinky sex now!" Trowa exclaimed, completely out of character. 

"...."

"I was being sarcastic!"

"I don't get it." Quatre and Duo chimed in unison.

Finally, one extremely pissed Chinese pilot came storming out of the kitchen. "That's it! This fic is going straight to hell!" Duo suddenly perked up at the mention of something going to hell. " For the past page and a half there has been no exposition, no new characters, and absolutely no PLOT! There has been nothing but really inappropriate references to porn and bad sex jokes!" He looked up at the sky and pulled out his sword. "So listen up Froot Cake! Calm your raging libido and start writing something with a plot unless..."

A bright light beamed down from the heavens and a chibi, SD girl in a catholic school uniform stepped down off of a cloud. "Listen up Chang! You're bitchin isn't going to help you much! Now I'd shut up, if I were you, or else Nataku might be visiting my sister's low rider in the JUNK YARD!" With that she patted Duo on the head and returned to Spanish class, where she had been writing. Well, she returned to class...physically. 

"...." For the second time this story, an awkward silence filled the room.

  
  


Wufei shuddered. He definitely didn't want Nataku turning into scrap metal. He wasn't going to complain again any time soon. But the kind author took into consideration his complaint and decided to move the plot along...err...make a plot.

" But I liked her corny sex jokes." Quatre said, eyeing Trowa. 

" I don't," Trowa disagreed, disgusted. He didn't like having his personal life being aired out like dirty laundry. 

" HELLO!" Duo screamed, " I'm the one having the crisis now! I don't want my hair cut! I like it! I'd miss it!" 

As usual a totally empathetic Quatre tried to calm the distressed pilot down. "Ok Duo. When Heero comes back Trowa will talk to him and make him understand."

" I will?"

" You will."

" Grrr...Somebody's sleeping on the couch tonight."

  
  


(Author's Note: I'm back! Miss me? Sorry about all that terrible self-insertion, but I couldn't help it. It was the result of too much spare time and way too much caffeine. I promise it won't happen again... Unless Wufei steps out of line again.)

(Wufei's Note: I never stepped out of line woman!) 

(Author's Note: Shut up! ::dangles a 1/144th scale model of the Shen-long over a woodcutter::)

(Wufei's Note: Meep! Sorry.) 

  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


The door slammed shut and in walked none other than Heero Yuy! Trowa sweat dropped, almost backing out, but Quatre put on his "you can't resist me, I'm just too damn kawaii" face and the pilot of Heavyarms soon gave in. Slowly, not making any sudden movements, he walked over to Heero with his hands where they could be seen. 

"Umm..Heero, don't you think it's a little harsh to-"

"No."

"But Heero," Duo whined, "you can't do this to me! Its cruel, its inhuman, its..its..Just not Kosher for Passover!" 

The Zero One's pilot grinned manically. "At least I'm not letting that obsessive fan girl cut your hair. And yes, I know you've been flirting with her."

Duo gulped. How the hell had Heero found that out? Our braided buddy was still pissed, but remembered what happened the last time that obsessive fan girl had tried to cut his hair. She seemed innocent enough, saying she was from the DuoML and wanted an autograph. Duo was stupid enough to believe her. Once she got within range, she jumped onto his back with a razor, trying to cut off his braid! "Its for the good of my fan club my ass!" Duo thought. 

"Heero does have a point," Wufei cut in when he noticed that Duo had started to sweat. This was the first time he has spoken up in over three hours.

"Don't you turn on me now, Wufei!" A disheartened braid boy remarked. 

"Let's go!" Heero picked up Duo by the collar and dragged him out the door. 

"But...But...But..." 

"No buts, you're going and that's it!" 

{Insert cheesy love song here.} Duo pouted. His braid was his pride and joy! It had been with him through good times and bad. For better and for worse. Through sickness and health. Through gel and hair spray through the big hair year A.C. 187! And now Shinigami would have to part with his best friend because Heero was being a prick! Tears welled up in his eyes, but he forced them back. "Real men never cry," he thought to himself. "But real men also have braids!" 

He squeezed his eyes shut and let Heero drag him down the street. He felt so betrayed. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Finally it was time. The pilot never opened his eyes, but felt the burst of cool air that welcomed him as he was pulled into the salon. Has the God of Death finally met his match? On the next episode of Gundam Wing... (Author's Note: ::Dodges the bricks being thrown at her by an angry mob lead by Lindsay-chan:: Gomen! I was kidding!)

Duo clenched his hands into fists and squeezed his eyes shut so hard they watered. He wasn't going to give up. There was no way he was going to part with his braid without a fight! Oh...Heero was going to pay for this! If he didn't back off, he was going to have a thermal nuclear beam scythe shoved up his...

"Duo, you can open your eyes," Heero began.

"No! I don't wanna! How could you do this to me? If you think I'm gonna let you do this without a fight you are.."

"Just open your eyes Maxwell!" he ordered.

Slowly Duo cracked open one eyelid, then the other. "Huh? Since when have solon's had menus and waiters?"

SURPRISE! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

"..."

Heero hugged his slightly confuzzled companion and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Duo blushed bright red realizing that he had forgot their anniversary. Come to think of it though, it hadn't been a year yet, had it?

"Anniversary?" he asked stupidly.

" Yup! Its our 9 month anniversary, Duo-chan!" 

Duo thought hard. The more he thought, the more he realized that his lover was just anal enough to think of something like that. (Stop! Stop! Beats back the yoai hentai fans with a stick!)

Duo looked over at the rest of the pilots who were siting at a booth watching them. Little tears formed in Quatre's eyes as he hugged Trowa like an over-sized teddy bear. "Oh joy!" he exclaimed. The author sniffled. "I'm so happy!" 

Heero pulled Duo into a deep, passionate, yeah I'm asking for a lemon sequel, kiss. Wufei pulled out some popcorn and Trowa pulled out some tissues and handed them to Quatre as the little blonde pilot sobbed on his friend's shoulder. 

"So you weren't gonna make me cut my hair?"

" Nope," Heero said as he handed him an envelope. Duo opened it and his eyes went wide.

  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

{ 3 days later, in the Bahamas.}

  
  


Duo lay face up in the soft, white sand staring at the clouds. The sun was just beginning to set and it promised to be a gorgeous evening. As usual, our kawaii little pilot was in the mood for romance! "Isn't it such a beautiful night, my Heero-chan? The breeze is blowing, the-"

"Its evening Duo. Don't start," Heero said, not even looking up from his omnipresent laptop. 

The smaller boy wanted to pout at his stoic friend, but grinned when he noticed how cute his companion looked in the fading sunlight. An instinctive predatory smile grew on his face. A wild cat ready to pounce...

"Duo look out!"

"Not again!!!!!"

  
  
  
  


~ FIN~

So whatcha think? Please, please, please review! Danke.


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